Merry Christmas, Nurse!

A couple days ago I got the best Christmas gift possible for this year…

I passed my NCLEX-PN exam!!

(My nursing board exam)

Thankfully the letter arrived with good news in the final days before Christmas. It is still sinking in that it’s really really, that I’ve been successful and achieved this dream to become a nurse!

Ghosts

Recently I had an incident on my clinical site that was a personal crisis. Or possibly the tip of the iceberg.

It scared me because it showed warning signals of a burnout– and I’m just about to start my career!

We had some opportunities to do some great evaluations, a spiritual assessment, even guided imagery. Many of my classmates had a great experience, really connected with the person, had a “moment” and really *felt* something.

I felt nothing. I felt fake, forced, and insincere. I said the right things, smiled at the proper times. Was kind and appeared in the moment and connected.

Now let me say I understand that it’s a defense mechanism, that this will prevent my from getting hurt. So to an extent this isn’t a bad thing.

I should mention I’ve been in the healthcare field for a while now, so I understand this need for a shell. But I also had my method to handle the situations. It used to be that I’d be involved, I’d care, I’d connect but when I walked out of that room- the connection was broken. It worked over 90% of the time, rarely was there someone or a situation that just really got to me (except one facility I worked at that had an immensely negative impact- which is why I moved on).

So when I felt fake, it was heart breaking. I didn’t want to be one of those nurses who doesn’t really give a sh*t and is just doing the job. To me this field involves caring. I was shaken by this lack of emotion, enough so that I asked my professors- they said it sounded like burnout.

My heart sunk.

Then today we began our lectures about Oncology/Death & Dying and during our discussion and sharing about some personal experiences I realized what had changed, why I had been having these problems.

When my Grandparents passed away I had to take time off work, and honestly after being there when Grandpa was dying and going to Grandma’s funeral so soon after. I had a hard time going back to work and even when I did it was never quite the same. Losing them, being so involved in Grandpa’s care, becoming so much closer to Grandma in the months before she passed– it all impacted me in ways I guess I never realized.
I never fully came back from my grief. And in some ways I’m still grieving.

I didn’t see it before, I didn’t see how that impacted my work, impacted my life view.  How it changed me into someone with one more protective layer, that thick skin that enables me to do this job.

So that’s what I learned. That this event that happened 3 years ago now had such a major impact– I’m still needing to work through the repercussions.

Sure ain’t easy.

I wouldn’t want nursing school to be easy. Really I wouldn’t, because then anyone could do it, and the care people get wouldn’t have a high standard. But good grief this is hard. This accelerated program is kicking my butt! I’d love to be relaxing this weekend, going and playing with friends, or shopping? Oh I miss shopping. Not to mention camping? What I wouldn’t give to feel the hot sand beneath my feet and the freezing Oregon Coast waves crash into me…

Accelerated LVN school is doable. But it’s not for everyone. My biggest advice to someone going into this? Make sure you have the year (or however long the accelerated program is) to dedicate your life. Shit will happen, you will get sick, you will miss your friends and family.

This week was a fun one (aside from the evil math test of doom). We practiced injections:

Start of the injection practices

Hot Dog showing my intradermal injection practice

…and are now well into Pharmacology which is interesting, but somewhat terrifying. They make sure we understand how much we need to be sure about the medications we give.

Belle fans will be happy to know she and PFCat are both very happy and healthy! She’s as cute as ever and while she may not be a fan of my being in school so much of the time, she’s so very happy to greet me when I get home!

I have 209 days left in the program.

A Little Explanation

For all of you who have shared my excitement of nursing school the last week or so may have been a bit confusing. Because despite being accepted into the program I’m not actually in the nursing school.

We have 3 weeks of prerequisites, where during two of those weeks? There is at least a test a day. Not just a little “2+2=4″ tests or quizzes, but full on chapters of medical terminology stacked back to back with some (basic) Dosage Calculations thrown in (it’s basic math but sometimes remembering 4th grade style math is hard after years of algebra.) By the time Friday hit, I was exhausted, my brain felt like it was going to explode or run away from me.

Next week? Next week I have an exam every day, and then on Friday? Friday there are three exams. And then we find out if we are accepted into “core” and get to call ourselves nursing students.

We know a few won’t go on, there’s 2-4 people who won’t continue because there’s only room for 36. Overall it is a really great group and most of us keep saying how much we really enjoy the the group. It does seem to be a great group, I really hope I get to spend the next 11 months working my ass off to graduate with them.

This accelerated program is definitely not for everyone, it’s hard and a lot of work. These first few weeks, pretty much feel like they’re trying to kill us. I’ve accepted (finally) that I can’t get A’s. That sleep is going to be more important in the long run. This weekend, I’ll get to prep for all those exams, and clean my apartment because after a year, we get to have the carpet’s cleaned!!! (Apartment is paying for it because I’ve lived here a full year.)

So last night? It was FRIDAY and like many of my classmates, I kicked back with a cold beer… I did it poor college kid style:

Here’s some other stuff from the week:

Prince Floyd, study assistant

First Energy Drink of the school year....

Belle doing her "face smoosh" sleeping pose.

By this time next week– more like at some point on Friday, I will be either freaking out because I got in, or crying my eyes out because I didn’t.

For now, I am going to soak up what is left of my free time before going back to the books!

First Day- Glad that’s over!

Holy crap people. I’m tired.

I feel old.

This is possibly related to me being too excited/nervous to sleep last night. Sweet Kurt talked to me until I finally calmed down enough to sleep for the precious few hours. (Sweet Dreams Tea, I’m forever a fan.) Very glad I packed my lunch and had everything set up for myself in the morning. Thankfully everyone (Belle the princess Papillon.) cooperated and I got to school on time.

Final interview went fine; hair is short enough, I now know what shoes to buy, oh and that I don’t have all the immunizations/records I need. (Fuck.)

We’re not wearing uniforms until after we make it to “core” or possibly all the way to semester one. That part was fuzzy as were so many others because my brain was in overdrive. We’re allowed to wear “community college appropriate clothing” but somehow I don’t think my comfy pants are going to qualify for that, also, no hoodies allowed, zippered only. (Fine, shopping with money I don’t have & would rather not waste…but I <3 sweaters so whatev.)

First day was fine, boring with all the “this is how to take tests” and “what kind of learner are you” that’s typical of first day classes. People seem nice, hoping to get into a study group soon with some good people… and that I make it to the top of the class so I’m not scared for a spot in the rest of the program. We have just over 40 and there are 36 seats in the rest of the sections.

I’m excited, I’m tired, and despite the hours of honest studying I’ve put in, I haven’t finished the notes or the practice stuff I wanted to for the night. But sleep will come first tonight, I cannot afford to be sick.

3 weeks and I should know if I’ve made it to core, then 5 weeks and I should know if I’ve made it to first semester. (pretty sure on this count)

Thank you all for your lovely support and kind words today and the past few days. It really means a lot to me and helped me get over my anxiety. The texts from my Mom and Diana this morning made me smile– it’s so incredible to have so much support from so many awesome people– all those FB comments? Totally appreciate the love.

4

Rather than use either of the blogs I drafted during my RV adventures, I decided to talk about other stuff.

Like how there’s gonna be some changes around, well mostly around my little space in the internet world.

I won’t really be on Twitter as much, or IM. . . or even as reachable via my phone. (I mentioned this before, but that was 32 days ago! holy crap time flew!)

School starts up in 4 days. The first 13 weeks are incredibly intensive and only part of the class will continue. It’s full time school, year round– for one year. (I keep mentioning that mostly for my own sanity.) So if suddenly you’re wondering where I’ve run off to, no I didn’t win some fabulous vacation in a remote part of the world without internet, and no I haven’t been kidnapped. . . It’s just school. I do hope to blog here a bit more regularly, which brings me to the next bit . . .

This blog annoys me. I am in no way anonymous, but many people know know me in the “real” world don’t read this but I still don’t really write about jobs or suuuuper personal stuff. Sometimes I don’t really know what this blog is for, other than a place for me to ramble on and some people to read about it. . . . This isn’t my first blog, but it’s probably most public because of the 300 something people on Twitter who follow me. And it’s on WordPress which just feels a bit more grown up and official than my first blog site– livejournal. I’m resisting the urge to delete it and start over, there’s no real point. It’s not particularly “family friendly” but I have a poorly maintained blog for that. . . that I should do something about…. or not.

I don’t have kids so I’m not a Mommy Blogger, I don’t have cool adventures or travel to amazing places (though the adventures and travels are high on my to do list once  I have a real job.) , I’m not a sex toy reviewer, or a cool anonymous blogger…. I just don’t really know where I fit in.

At the same time, I don’t really care.

I’ve grown weary of apologizing for myself, for me just being me. This pretty awesome person I’ve really only grown into in the past year.

So thanks for reading, I’m excited to see where this next year takes me!

Oh, want to see something cool:

Happy Birthday to him– happy board exam to me!

Sleep was not happening today. Not the greatest of things since it’s my Phlebotomy board exam.

Somehow, I’m still calm. I hope it stays that way!! I think I’ve talked myself into believing that I just know this stuff. And what I don’t know is okay too, it’s part of life. But I do know I have the skills to do the job in the real world. Which since I’m about to start nursing in 26 days, is kind of important.

Also? It’s Kurt’s Birthday!!! (And until June 4th next year, we’re the same age!!) So I’m sending him happy birthday thoughts even as I’m getting ready to go take this exam! I wish I could be spending today with him but thankfully he understands why I’m away.

Certified Vampire

It took me over 2 years to get a copy of my CNA License from the State of California. 2 years.

Now as my Phlebotomy training is coming to a close, my headache with licensing is starting all over. I will need to take The Exam to become a Nationally Certified Phlebotomy Technician and then I have to send in everything to the state…. and then hope and pray that it doesn’t take 2 years to get this license.

I can get a cool vampire–er– Phlebotomist patch like this one when this is all done! The other really exciting news: I’m starting my Externship in a Lab on Monday!! Yay! So once my hours are all marked off, I can send it all in, get my certification of completion, and then all of the paperwork begins!

I am a little sad I can’t share my adventures in my medical side of life, but since I’ve given my name and shown my face I can’t really be an anonymous vampire or nurse. I am going to collect all my stories and I hope eventually start a new blog. There will be some general stuff and stuff I can share without releasing details about patients etc etc etc.

*CNA- Certified Nursing Assistant

So much happening… but not much blogging

I must really be getting old.
For one, I am thrilled to be going back to school full time. I’m so excited to become a nurse and to take this big step towards my future.
Another thing? I may actually be able to get REALY HEALTH INSURANCE BACK!!! This is way more exciting than many people in college can imagine… until they’re kicked to the curb and forced to find health insurance that won’t break that fairly non existent bank. Why do I feel old? Because the cost of school is overwhelming to me, and the happiness of health insurance– I pretty much can’t explain.

So yes, nursing school is really happening! WOOHOO! But there is another medical license I’m still finishing: Phlebotomy! My blood work and immunizations are all worked out now, so I am good to go for my externship (it’s like an internship at a lab facility) which will happen in a couple weeks, and then I have to apply to take the NCCT (National Center for Competency Testing) to become a National Certified Phlebotomy Technician, take the exams and poof! I’m a Phlebotomist, a CNA, and a Nursing Student!

Animal Update: Gustave is still a grumpy little fin flaring beta fish and Belle is still a beautiful Papillon. Belle’s back has been fine for several months now, so I’m hoping the doggie sciatica is under control.

CNA to LVN, it’s really happening!

It’s finally happening!

What’s “it” you ask?

Mid June I’ll (finally) be completing my Phlebotomy training and then in September…

I’ll be starting LVN school!!!!!!

Yaaaaay!! There’s a lot of other stuff going on, what I can’t wait to share with the world but for now I have to be patient!

The program I’m in will take about a year to complete, then come the nursing board exams, and then I’m a nurse!

What is an LVN and what do they do?

A LVN is also known as a LPN, and as the awesome people at about.com explain: “LVNs and LPNs perform a variety of patient care tasks including feeding and bathing, giving injections, collecting samples for lab tests, monitoring patients and medical equipment, and dressing wounds. They also gather information from patients and record it, such as vital signs, and any symptoms described by the patient.” and while they aren’t as extensively trained as RNs many people begin as LVN/LPNs to go on in their medical career.

By next December I (hope) to be a CNA (Certified Nurses Assistant), a Phlebotomist, and a Licensed Vocational Nurse!!

I’ve been a CNA for 3 years now, I began in a nursing home up in Oregon and have now worked in California for the majority of my time. More recently I’ve been working in a hospital. If anyone thinks they might want a career in nursing- I can’t stress how much it has helped me to begin my career from the ground up. While there are many stories I have that would make normal people cringe… and maybe lose their lunch there are also heartwarming moments.

I know that LVN will still be tough, I know that RN will be tough too… but despite the assholes, the crazies, and the poo flingers– I love my job. I love this field and I am so very excited to move up the ladder and learn even more!